Day 2 Choices

Today started early for me 4:30am to be exact. I could not get comfortable I was in the mist of horrible back and nerve pain. I got up and started praying seeking the Lord and asking what was going on with a few things I was about to embark on..One being a play I had done in the beginning of the summer and I was so excited to hear they were doing it again… As the details came forth I realized I would not in fact be able to do the play. Timing is everything! Being obedient to the Lords timing and voice for me is pivotal to my life. My flesh is screaming in pain as I wrote the Director to let her know sadly I would have to pass on doing another run. But, peace flew in and rested upon my heart once I had.

Peace is our promise as believers Peace was left for us. Peace is a free gift! Peace in the mist of trails. Peace no matter what is going on. We can have peace! We can be carriers of Peace and give it away. We can bring peace with us and change the atmosphere.

Today, I felt like Abraham putting his promise on the alter. I love to preform, love to make people laugh and love love love the stage. BUT, I love and trust the LORD more than my desires and dreams. I know that there is a purpose to why I can't do the play and I trust my father in heaven and I am grateful that I can be lead by PEACE.

Side note:
I was thinking this morning while I played on the floor with my 3 year old and all was wonderful in our world..(Even though the dishes were piled up and the laundry needs to be folded oh and i really need to organize my house…) I was thinking about how I always remember my mom being that kind of mom that played with us built forts, climb trees, roller skating, running, slip in slides, dolls, swings, any and everything. Im sure the house was clean and I know we ate because I grew up but i don't remember those things. I remember her standing with me and holding my hand. All that to say…I think I will forgo the chores for the time. Don't be surprised if you stop by to see the dishes still in the sink.. I'll  do them when the girls go to bed.

#write31days

I have been meaning to write more. I almost always think to myself..Im gonna write today. Then today becomes yesterday and I still have not written. I noticed that there is a little 31 days of writing challenge and I have decided that I would use that to help kick start my self!

So thats day one done!
see you tomorrow

The truth

So a lot has changed since I last wrote a post. Olivia is in school full time this year. Isabella is in speech therapy. Mommy is working two extra days a week. These are the main changes for us the big ones really.
Today was speech day for little chick and it was a horrible day for me… it was filled with tears and fighting with everything she has to not participate.. Its hard to watch her struggle with talking to watch her face get frustrated because she knows she can't say the word or say it the way it should be said in most cases. Bella is an amazing communicator! She is one of the smartest little people I have known.
Theres an internal struggle for me with all this… there are the facts that are so overwhelming I can only cry and scream inside and all to quickly find my place in a ball on the floor (the enemy and sometimes my flesh would like to be stuck here). Stuck focusing on the NOT YET. Focusing on HOW COME
But not this momma. Not for long.
For I know the Truth.
JESUS IS THE TRUTH
Today I am needing to remind myself of the HIS TRUTH.
The truth is Isabella has been given the words just like Jeremiah
The truth is Isabella has been given a future of hope
The truth is Isabella has been knit together by the hands of GOD
The truth is NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD not even speech issues and strong willed 3 year olds
The truth is HE has supplied all that Isabella needs and all I need, for us to make it to the other side of this.
The truth is we are not alone HE HAS NOT FORSAKEN US.
Choosing to stop and look to HIM waiting and resting in HIS presence.
Thanking HIM for the finished work.
Thanking HIM for today
Thanking HIM for the complete healing.
For nothing is broken or missing in HIM.
So grateful for JESUS.

All alone

I am sat in front of my computer. With the minutes ticking away before nap time is over. They are going to get up soon. Olivia has not been feeling well and I forced her to take a nap by promising a movie upon her waking up. Isabella is going to be screaming "MAMA MAMA MAMA" all to soon. The other day Olivia was complaining about needing alone time. " Mama, I need some alone time please keep Isabella out of my room." Alone time?  I asked. What is that? To which she replies "you know what it is you get it all the time." PAUSE. In my head I am seriously thinking when! when in the heck am I alone? BREATH. "Really, when do you think mama gets alone time Liv?" "Every night when we go to bed." ROCK TO HEAD! "Yes I suppose that would be correct my alone time is when you are in bed.

So what am I doing with all this "alone time"? What every other momma out there is doing I suppose..Cleaning! Hiding in a closet crying! 

The old saying of Time is passing us by seems so real to me today. The girls are getting older. Baby days are over. I feel like I am watching on the side. I am trying to relish in these days I have. I know all to fast they will be the days I want back at some point. I know there will come a time when the girls will have there own lives and be out and about. Im told by ones further down this road then I, that I will miss these days of No alone time. I will miss all the screaming and fighting. I will miss all the messiness. To these people I say NO I WONT! I WILL miss aspects of my life as a young mother. However, I will not miss the noise level that is off the charts. I will not miss the tugging and pulling. Just like I do not miss night time feeds and milk blisters. I don't miss baby food poops. I look forward to going to the bathroom with out two young faces starring at me and commenting on the smell! I look forward to the time that I can take a shower without the pointing fingers from behind the glass door. (Yes, I close the door but it doesn't stop the dynamic duo!)

Today I will choose to focus on the fact that Alone Time is not ME Time. In all honestly Alone Time hasn't been ME time since I had children. Children I prayed and Believed for! Reminding myself to take in all the crazy with all the lovely! Learning to rest. Rest in all that HE has gifted, trusted and equipped me to have.Being grateful and thankful at all times. The loud,squashed,filled to overflowing, crazy times! Here's to me. Growing up! 

"I'm not a good mom!"

Ive been thinking about the title of this page for awhile now. I have heard serval different momma's say this about themselves and I have thought this about myself often at times. Mainly, when the "screaming" has quieted down and the liar of comparison stops by for a chat. She always shows up when Im not on top of my game. "Look over there." Look what they are doing different than you. Look how many friends they have. Look how in shape they are. Look how well behaved there children are. The list of topics can go on forever when she shows up for a chat.

Somedays she can stay all day and talk and fill my head with thoughts of regret and sadness. Lately though she knocks at the door and I ignore her. I have not let her in. Her chatter has become just that
a noise, a loud banging that produces nothing but a cringe. I can see her at the door waving with her sympathetic eyes. Nope, not looking at you! No, you can't come in. Go away and don't come back.

What is a good mom?
What does she look like?
What do her kids look like?
What does she do?
What does she not do?

I think "good" is crap! I think its a lie in this case.
I think the word should be best, who is the best mom.
I would say the momma who is best, is the one who is mothering the babes she has been trusted with.
I believe that the best momma for each child is placed in there life by the FATHER. Either by birth, adoption, or spiritually.

When we stop comparing, regretting, and allowing bitterness to grow our eyes are made clear. When we look to the FATHER for our fulfillment and identity we remember that HE is at work in us and through us. We remember that HE has a purpose. That HE has placed each babe with the momma He made for HIS babes. When we remind ourselves of HIS goodness, HIS grace, HIS unfailing love toward us we are moved, changed, and set free.

He has made you the BEST momma. He has equipped, filled, and given you all you need. Don't invite MRS.COMPARISON in for a cup of tea. Remind yourself of what HE says about you. What HE
thinks. What HIS plans are.

I know that I am the BEST momma for my two babes that I have been trusted with today. I would challenge you, that you are the BEST momma for the babes you are with today.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge HIM,
and HE shall direct your paths.

Love to all the BEST MOMMA'S out there.

Fun Times had by all EARS

I want to scream!!! Scream like my 2 year old is screaming right now. Her screaming is so hard to deal with sometimes. Honestly all the time. I can not stand screaming. I can not handle the high pitch sounds that only send me into a stress ball. the screams only seem to stop when I give in to whatever the desire is that has been told NO. Oh. NO that word creates the screams. Its a fine line I am walking at the moment of wanting the screams to stop so I give in. If only I enjoyed the NO more than silence and lack of screams. I would like to point out that screaming has become the music of my household when we are all home. The choice way to get what you want. Screaming has taken over the peace in the airwaves. Screaming gets the job done. They scream to get me to change my mind, I scream to get them to stop screaming and do whats been asked. We are on the screaming carousal. I would like off. I would like the ride to break and never work again. Oh LORD! Help the screaming to stop.
AAAMMMMEENNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One month in.

WE ARE ALIVE!
WE STILL LIKE EACH OTHER!

These were two of my worries starting this homeschooling journey. Amazingly we have had success.
This month has been so busy. Its actually not that much different than other months. I think there is always something to keep us busy and we tend to shift one thing over for another.

Truth:
No matter who we are or what stage in life we are in we are always facing a challenge.
Home schooling Olivia has really fit right into our day to day life. Its nice to have a schedule. I love schedules! I really do. I will be honest and say that my goal to be dressed and ready for the day before we start school has not been met yet. I mean I have clothes on just not anything I would want to be seen in. So what, I'm the teacher in her PJ'S. I am working on this though. Its been noticed. Someone little told me recently I look like Fancy Nancy's momma. "Oh wow" I thought she must be really pretty. lol
forgetting what she looked like in the book. She's pretty but we both have the same MOMMA Look. Work out Clothes (cause then maybe people will think "oh she just came from the gym") pony tail and no makeup. This pretty much sums up my uniform. I am trying to get out of this rut! Lord knows I need  help. I guess it comes down to not really caring about yourself and being to tired taking care of all the other things around me. Its the typical momma thing always taking care of everyone and everything around you but not YOU. Needless to say I see this and I know I have changes to make.

Classroom Love:
I love having a classroom. I love having a kindergartener. She is so excited about everything we talk about. She hates sitting still and doing quiet work. She challenges me and reminds me daily that I am loved! This month the highlights have been watching her read a book to me. I am seeing how she learns best anything hands on and she is a go. We have been so blessed by this sweet time together.
Yes there are days were I think there is no way I can do this today or I want to scream SIT DOWN AND SHUT IT! But, even in those times i remind myself I cant be the only one screaming that in my head. there are other teachers other homeschooling momma's and papa's thinking the same thing.

So all in all I am happy with our first month. We are still alive and we still like each other. Maybe that doesn't seem like that much of a success. I'll take it. lol
Next month maybe I get out of my uniform and blowdry my hair. Goals are a good thing!

Bless you sweet friends for reading my post. May the Lord shine brightly upon you today! You are Loved!